Abandoned
by Celine Janeway
Summary: An abandoned baby holds the key to a night of passion and to the future of her mother.AU after Endgame.CH 5 Up!
1. Abandoned

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount Pictures  
  
Author's notes: This story is a little different from a lot of the other ones so I hope you enjoy it.  
  
Abandoned  
  
Dear Perry,  
  
My dear sweet little girl there is so much I have to tell you and so very little time to explain the years of decisions I've made. Some I don't know how I found the strength, others I will never escape the guilt and very few I consider to be accomplishments. I gave up on one thing and one thing only through out my life...Love. I thought I was too strong to depend on such an unpredictable emotion. I was wrong. A few months ago I thought love wasn't worth the fight; I was wrong.  
  
I sit here watching you sleep. Your chest rises and falls with such ease. It gives me peace to know that your slumber is only accompanied by delicate sweet dreams and problems don't cloud your precious head. You have spent such a brief time here with me. A mere two months. I hope one day you will understand why I have to do this. There was so much that I wanted to teach you, so much I wanted to warn you against but I am given but borrowed time to express a lifetime of knowledge.  
  
I wish I could give you all the reasons why I have to leave. All I know is that I have to do this for you. Before you were born, I thought I could raise a child on my own and be all the parent you would ever need. The startling revelation came to me the first night I brought you home. I was so afraid and you were so fragile. Your hands and feet were so small and your safety was solely in my hands. I knew I couldn't give you the home and love you needed, that you deserved.  
  
The only advise I can give you, my darling, is that when love is right in front of you, don't let it out of your sight. True love is so rare that it should be cherished. I let love slip through my fingers. I was given so many chances to be happy but I refused to succumb to it. Your father never forgave me for playing with his emotions for all of these years. He will never be the same man because of me. His heart is tattered and torn from the years.  
  
I haven't told him about you. I didn't know how to. The last time I saw him was 11 months ago at a Voyager reunion. I was foolish and went with him to his apartment. I still, to this day, don't know why I followed him that night. I have since realized how affectionate and truthful he has always been and that once again; I walked away from all I have ever wanted. My dear Perry I pray that one-day you will forgive me. I love you good-bye.  
Kathryn  
  
* * * * * *  
  
Kathryn sealed the letter and placed it into an envelope with another letter .She had signed the letter 'Kathryn' for so many reasons. She knew, or at least convinced herself, that she didn't deserve to be Perry's mother; so she never referred to herself as so. She had finally hit the bottom and every second; she became more and more consumed by depression. She loved Perry more than she could ever express but she had to run away; she couldn't ruin another person's life not again. Kathryn placed Perry in a basinet with two handles on either side. She was rapped in a pink blanket and had a matching hat. Perry very much resembled Kathryn. And her father for that matter. Her hair was a dark brown like his and her facial features were bold and vivid like Kathryn's. Perry also adorned vibrant blue eyes.  
  
The rain drenched the landscape and pounded with fierce power. Kathryn made her way towards a house and delicately placed Perry near the entrance. She rang the bell and made her way into the rainy night.  
  
* *  
* The doorbell rang and B'Elanna walked to the front of the house to open the door. She expected to be greeted by a person but to her surprise no one was there. She pocked her head out into the street and saw no one. She would have closed the door, if she hadn't have heard Perry start to cry. B'Elanna instinctively picked the baby up and cradled her in her arms.  
  
"Tom, come quick."  
  
Tom ran down the hall and turned the corner to the front door. He was dumbfounded by the sight of B'Elanna cradling a crying baby.  
  
"What is this all about?"  
  
"I don't know, I heard the door bell ring and no one was there. I was about to close the door when I saw this little one lying in a basinet."  
  
"Did she have a note with her or a letter or anything?"  
  
"I haven't had time to look. Check in the basinet."  
  
Tom fumbled through the basinet and eventually came to an envelope. He opened it and read the letter addressed to him and B'Elanna.  
  
Dear Tom and B'Elanna,  
  
This is my daughter Perry. I'm sorry for not telling you about her. I am trusting you with her life. Please try to understand why I am leaving her with you. I know she will be loved and be in good company. I cannot give her the life she needs. I have enclosed a letter for her. Please give it to her one-day.  
Kathryn Janeway  
  
Tom's face showed nothing but shock as he finished reading the letter. He turned to face B'Elanna, hoping she would have some answers, but she knew no more than he did. He closed the door behind him and they made their way into the house to try and make some sense of what had just happened. 


	2. Echoed voice

Abandoned Chapter Two  
  
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all of its characters belong to Paramount.  
  
Author's notes: Kathryn might seem a little out of character but it will all make sense later. I'm trying to take Kathryn somewhere she's never been and add a side to her that has yet to be seen.  
  
Harry had been doing housework all afternoon and was relieved when he received a message from Tom. He was expecting the contents to be along the lines of lunch or holodeck activities. Instead, Tom's message was vague and said that he needed to speak to him as soon as possible. Tom was never one to worry and he certainly didn't take things seriously. Harry made his way to the communicator and called him. The screen went from a Starfleet gray to the living room of Tom and B'Elanna.  
  
"Tom, I got your message. What's?"  
  
Tom cut him off before he could finish his thought.  
  
"Harry! You haven't talked to the Captain lately or seen her have you?" Tom's voice was horse and unsteady.  
  
"No, I can't say I have. Why?"  
  
"I think you had better transport over and see for yourself."  
  
"I'll be right there."  
  
Harry walked over to the transporter controls in his living room and entered the location of Tom's house. Within a minute he was standing in Tom's house, waiting to see what all the commotion was about.  
  
* * *  
  
"I don't understand why she would abandon her daughter. She didn't even feel it necessary to mention to us that she was pregnant." B'Elanna had worked up quite the fit. She was confused and tired. Those combinations in a Klingon were never welcomed.  
  
"B'Elanna, I don't know what you want me to say. All I know is we can't just sit here waiting for an answer. Where do you think she would have gone?" Tom was just as confused as his wife.  
  
"I don't even know where to start." She slammed her fists against the table in frustration. "Do you think that Chakotay knows about any of this?" B'Elanna was nowhere near calm.  
  
"I highly doubt it. If he did he wouldn't have let her just leave like that. Either that or he knew about Perry but not about what the Captain had planned."  
  
"The best way to find out is to talk to him."  
  
As B'Elanna finished her sentence, Harry materialized. He walked over to where they were talking and spotted Perry. He didn't think much of her presence.  
  
"Tom, what's going on?"  
  
"Harry, I'd like you to meet Perry Janeway"  
  
"That's wonderful Tom but what does that have to do with any...wait did you say Janeway?" Harry's face went from confused to a shocked almost dumbfounded white.  
  
"Yep"  
  
"What?"  
  
Tom went on to tell Harry about the nights happenings. B'Elanna again suggested contacting Chakotay, thinking he might know more than they did. She could only hope he did.  
  
***  
  
The rain had seized to fall but the air still smelled of moister accompanied by a rigid cold. None of the elements phased Kathryn. She sat on a park bench in complete silence. The sky was still black and unforgiving. She sat like that for almost two hours before making a decision on whether to go or to stay. Staying was never an option but she refused to forsake the possibility. Something nameless but forever agonizing gnawed at her chest. Ripping at the uttermost regions of her heart. Going seemed more than easy but in so many ways childish -an unconquerable fear. 'Kathryn, time will not heal this one'. A whispered voice that only she heard sung this repeatedly. Unable to sit any longer she began to run. She ran with all the power her body would give her. Her feet hit the pavement with fierce strength. Miles and miles passed but the voice was relentless. The distance felt like years; all of her problems smoldered into one merciless echo.  
  
She screamed, this time aloud for all the world to hear.  
  
*** . The night had been long and draining, but all had managed to get some rest. Perry was still peacefully laying in her basinet when Tom awoke. He took a moment and realized how much this little girl resembled her mother.  
  
"I'll find her," whispered his hearts promise to the infant.  
  
B'Elanna was already awake and replicating breakfast. Her gut told her that the circumstances were about to get even more complicated and that Chakotay had just as many questions as she did. Apparently seven years spent in solitude with people she had come to respect enough to call family, wasn't enough to get her the answers she deserved. Tom entered the kitchen in his bathrobe; the dark circles under his eyes showed his fatigue.  
  
"Good Morning."  
  
"Under any other circumstances it would be. I'm going to talk to Chakotay this morning; he needs to know what's happening. He knew the Captain better than any of us and he might know where she went." B'Elanna turned her back to him and walked to the window.  
  
Tom went to her side and placed his hand on her shoulder reassuring her that he would do all he could to help. Harry had stayed the night and was still sleeping in the guest room. He wouldn't be up for hours.  
  
"Tom." B'Elanna's voice was quieter than before.  
  
"What is it B'Elanna?"  
  
"What could have driven her to this point"  
  
"I don't know B'Elanna. I don't know." ***  
  
Kathryn had tried to return to her apartment the night before but instead found herself in a motel in Indiana. Indiana had always been her haven; the one place she knew enough to feel safe in. It had cradled her as a child, and now was doing the same for her as an adult.  
  
If they could see her now... No one would recognize her. She was barely, if at all, the women they had come to know her as. Leaving had taken all of her strength and now she was left but a frail woman. For no reason at all, she picked up a pad of paper and a pen and began to write a letter. It was addressed to no one.  
  
Dear ,  
  
I can't keep the truth to myself forever. I have to tell Chakotay about Perry. It took me almost the entire pregnancy to even admit to myself who that little girl could belong to. Despite my fears of the truth, I need to confront the events of that night.  
  
I dreamed of having a child, every night on Voyager. At night I saw what I longed for ...the perfect creation of love and life. An infant that held all my accomplishments in its delicate sight. Now all my dreams are filled with guilt and hatred. Guilt for what I've done. Hatred for myself. That's not the kind of person Perry needs or deserves. She needs more than me.  
  
I can't even look in the mirror. The woman that stares back at me is all I promised myself I would never become. She's weak and confused; but most of all she has lost every moral that she has ever known. There is nothing I can do to fix the damage I have caused. I need to be the 'Captain' again. I need her strength and cunning. There is so much that I am today that I knew yesterday I would never become.  
  
Kathryn  
  
She laid the pen on the table and left the room. 


	3. Chakotay knows

Abandoned Ch. 3  
  
Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and all it's characters belong to Paramount.  
  
The morning had crept by and B'Elanna was becoming restless. She has never been one to sit idly by and watch a situation take shape. She could no longer keep Chakotay out of such an event. Tom had asked her to wait and not contact him just yet but she wasn't about to listen. She walked to the communicator and within seconds Chakotay's dark features graced the screen.  
  
"B'Elanna what a nice surprise. How is everyone?"  
  
"We're fine. Chakotay we need to talk"  
  
"Is everything alright? "  
  
"Not exactly. Meet me at the park on 12th avenue. This would be easier to do in person."  
  
"Of course, when?"  
  
"As soon as possible"  
  
"I'll be there in ten minutes"  
  
Chakotay cut the comm. link, grabbed his coat and headed out the door.

The weather was anything but pleasant. It had been overcast for almost three days and showed no sign of letting up. B'Elanna was seated on a bench with little Perry adorning her arm and impatiently waiting for Chakotay. Within seconds he rounded the corner and made his way toward her. His face showed obvious concern and his steps were quick and razored.  
  
"B'Elanna, what's wrong?"  
  
B'Elanna turned her attention to the infant in her arms. "I don't really know how to go about this so I'll be blunt. This little girl in my arms is Perry and Kathryn is nowhere to be found."  
  
Chakotay's face turned a new shade of white when he heard about Kathryn but didn't understand what the child had to do with anything.  
  
"B'Elanna what does this little girl have to do with Kathryn missing?"  
  
"Chakotay, this is Kathryn's daughter." B'Elanna's voice was somber as she tried to help him understand.  
  
Chakotay rubbed his hand across his face and tried to comprehend the information he was just given. He turned away from B'Elanna and passed back and forth in hope that the motion would help clear his mind.  
  
"I don't know what to say. Are you telling me that Kathryn has a daughter that I never knew about but you did and she leaves her in your care only to not return."  
  
"I didn't know anymore about Perry than you did. Yesterday when I opened the front door, I found Perry in a basinet. Chakotay, all she left was a note. I thought you might know where she is."  
  
"Did the note say who Perry's father is or any clues as to where Kathryn went and why she would leave her little girl on your door step"  
  
"No."  
  
"That doesn't sound like Kathryn. None of this seems like Kathryn. She would never have a child and not tell any of us. I think I know someone who might know where she is." 


	4. Anger

Disclaimer: Voyager and all characters belong to Paramount.  
  
Author's notes: I'm glad you're enjoying the story. I'm having a great time writing it and working with Kathryn as a character. Thank you for the reviews and please keep them coming.  
  
Abandoned Ch. 4  
  
Dear ,  
It is often said that pain, grief and guilt eventually fade with the passage of time. For the sack of my sanity I need that to be true. I suppose in some context I have begun to wonder why I never told the truth from the very beginning. There would have been more pain but I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what happens next.  
  
It was never a matter of me not loving Perry. I woke up this morning and wished I could kiss her head and know she was sleeping without a care in the world. Her little chest rising and falling with every breath she took. I'll think of her every step of the way. I should have told someone. It doesn't make a difference now; I've made my decisions and can't take them back.  
  
Kathryn  
  
She looked up from the pad of paper in her hand and gazed at the endless field that lay before her. She had secretly ventured to the house she grew up in and was sitting with her back to the tree that occupied the backyard. Her mother wasn't home and no one she knew was around. Kathryn was safe to fight her demons in this oh so familiar place. She wanted more than anything to just walk away from it all and forget all that the past year had brought. She had closed the door to her heart before and been safe from all that is painful but this time the door was far too large to budge.

* * *

Chakotay had yet to enlighten B'Elanna on his plan to find Kathryn. After their conversation in the park, he left abruptly and went immediately to his apartment. He went directly to the communicator and tried to contact the one person that even came close to knowing the workings of Kathryn Janeway's thoughts. After numerous failed attempts at contact Kathryn's mother, Chakotay slammed his fists on the counter. It wasn't like Gretchen not to answer a call. He was getting nowhere by sitting here in anger. As quickly as he had come, he left the apartment and went to Tom and B'Elanna's.  
  
Tom answered the door and invited Chakotay in as B'Elanna rounded the corner from the living room.  
  
"Chakotay, where did you go?"  
  
"B'Elanna, I'm sorry I left so hastily before. I tried to contact Kathryn's mother but I couldn't find her. We are back where we started."  
  
They made there way to the living room, where Harry was sitting cradling a sleeping Perry. Chakotay's attention immediately focused on the slumbering infant.  
  
"Do you want to hold her?" B'Elanna asked reluctantly  
  
"Yes", he replied without hesitation.  
  
Harry stood and made his way over to Chakotay being careful as to not wake Perry. He gently handed the child over to Chakotay who instinctively cradled her. He walked to the nearest seat and gazed at the child who was his greatest confidant's. Chakotay's mind was crowded with thoughts of Kathryn and the child that slept in his arms.  
  
'_Oh Kathryn what have you done? What could have happened to make you want to leave such a precious gift? She's so beautiful... She looks just like you. Kathryn, I would have listened if you had told me. I would have loved to share this with you. You didn't have to do this alone with no one but a doctor by your side_.'  
  
B'Elanna, Harry and Tom all watched as Chakotay swayed the infant side to side lightly. All couldn't help but notice how at ease he was with the child and how perfectly they fit together.  
  
"Chakotay, do you have any idea who Perry's father might be?" B'Elanna broke the silence with the thought that lingered in all of their minds.  
  
He took a moment before telling them what he was sure they had already assumed.  
  
"Do you remember the reunion party we had about a year ago? Afterwards, Kathryn and I went to a hotel near to where the party was. We never talked about it after that."  
  
As he finished the statement his eyes began to sting with the emotions that dwelled in that night. He handed Perry back to Tom and stared out the window. The room was silent and no one darned to speak. Chakotay suddenly slammed his fists on the window.  
  
"Damn it, why wouldn't she tell me about something like this?! Does she think I wouldn't want to be there when my daughter was born?!!"  
  
Chakotay grabbed Perry from Tom covered her with her blanket and went to the front door.  
  
"Chakotay, come back where are you going?"  
  
"To find Kathryn!" 


	5. Content with Questions

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount

Abandoned Chapter 5 

Author's notes: I have had a severe case of writer's block. I'm thankful it has finally subsided. I apologize for the lengthy wait for an update.

Her eyes are ebony with an intensity matched only by the fires of the sun. Her skin bares light brown with a hint of snow. This is indeed his daughter. Only time will tell her destiny. Yet he know no harm will ever come to her. Night now reflects in the eyes of the infant and Chakotay knows that soon Perry will need her mother.

Perry,

My child, I have come to the decision that those who once threatened us can no longer keep me away from you. I will tell you the stories when you are ready to receive the burden, but for now my love I will hold them as a secret of melancholy and isolation. I did not leave you because I did not love you but rather I gave you a chance to live without fear. Your father and I will protect you and only now do I see that by succumbing to my own fears I was putting you in more danger than I was giving you refuge from. I do and will always love you my little girl.

Kathryn gave the familiar territory that surrounded her another glance before she left it quite possibly forever. She knew that Chakotay was looking for her and he would come to her. But for now she must wait and hope that she could find the solutions that she seeked.

* * *

Perry cried uncontrollably with hunger. Chakotay had left B'Elanna's and Tom's in such a hurry that he had forgotten to bring formula along. He had to find Kathryn soon. As he looked around the small Indiana town he recalled a specific field that Kathryn had mentioned. A field that she went to when she needed time to sort out the confusions of life. He knew in that instance that he would find her there and discover the answers to the questions that constantly invaded his thoughts.

Kathryn's hair blew in the wind as she sat below the only tree that occupied her field. She had come here since she was a child. She was here the day she received the first of a series of letters from Tak'lay.

_Kathryn sat under her tree with a heavy weight on her shoulders. She had made the decision not to tell Chakotay or anyone from Voyager about her child. Only her mother and sister would know of the new life but she so wanted to share this with Chakotay. She was being threatened, backed in a corner and forced to crumble under the will of a mad man. Tak'lay, even the thought of his name aroused anger in her. She had first heard his name when Starfleet informed her that he had been harassing female captains throughout the federation, stocking, threatening and even abusing them. He was a criminal mastermind and the federation was no match for him. He had taken a certain interest in Kathryn after Voyager returned. He had followed her but never given her any cause for concern until she started receiving letters from him. She found the first one when she was five months pregnant. Tak'lay threatened that if Kathryn ever let Chakotay see the child as his own the infant would be killed. The next letter, received when she was eight months pregnant, said to leave the child with B'Elanna but never tell her that the child was hers. Kathryn had contacted Starfleet and told them of the situation. They had given her a secure place to stay but within days another letter arrived saying the it was no use she was safer at her other house. Kathryn was frightened for the life of her unborn child and knew the only way to promise her safety would be to bend to Tak'lay's wishes._

Kathryn looked at the vastness of the field and wondered if her decision to tell B'Elanna that Perry was hers was worth the risk. The wind had steadily picked up over the last half an hour and Kathryn began to worry that Chakotay would not come. Another hour passed, when she thought she heard the faint sound of her name across the wind. She turned to see Chakotay approaching with Perry in his arms. Kathryn rushed to his side and lifted Perry from his arms.

"She's hungry, Kathryn"

"I know" and she did know as only a mother could.

Kathryn gave the child her breast. As Perry ate with vigor, a solitary tear graced Kathryn's cheek. She knew her daughter was content in her arms.

Author's notes: The next chapter or two will rap up this story. I hope you are enjoying it.


End file.
